EXCLUSIVE: Sameera Reddy opens up on pressure of fitting in, toxic relationships & how motherhood changed her

Sexy Sam. Bombshell. Glamour Goddess, these and many more epithets were given to Sameera Reddy during her stint at the movies. But, though she was all fire and desire on screen, offscreen she was riddled with insecurity and low self-esteem. The pressure of slim-fitting into expectations, the scare of that unruly kilo, the ridicule of losing a film and above all the imbroglio of toxic relationships, Sameera was a mess until marriage, motherhood and a ‘meltdown’ aided her transition towards self-acceptance. 

Unwilling to posture anymore, she revelled in the pounds and the pains, the grey and the grime. Today, she has a legion of followers, who find a resonance in her imperfections. “Most people think vulnerability is weakness. I live in the space of vulnerability and that is what has made me so successful,” said Oprah Winfrey. Sameera, too, has turned her mistakes into milestones.

Excerpts from our chat with Sameera:

Of late you’re enjoying unprecedented popularity on social media.

That’s because for the first time I’m being extremely honest about myself. Earlier, when I was doing films, it was all about portraying what was expected of me. But deep down I was unhappy and disconnected. Marrying Akshai (Varde) was liberating in that it grounded me. When I was pregnant with my daughter Nyra, an agency approached me to get on to social media. I was given examples of star mothers on the social scene and told I’d have to recreate a ‘sexy mother’ or ‘yoga mummy’ image. I was asked to say the right things, put the right pictures, show a certain lifestyle and look beautiful. Basically, you have to ‘sell’ a concept.

This would have again put me under a pressure similar to what I’d experienced 10 years ago.  I said I couldn’t do it. I didn’t look as good or as perfect. I’d put on weight. I was a dishevelled mother, about to give birth. I was going to be dealing with sleepless nights, breastfeeding, dark circles and pure happiness. I could have ‘botoxed’ myself, coloured my hair and used umpteen filters to look like a 20-something on social media posts. But, I was lucky to break out of myself. Breaking out is an incredible process if you’re ready for it.

When did the ‘break-out’ happen?

Post-partum, after delivering my son, Hans (in 2015), I went through a meltdown. That was the most incredible moment of self-discovery. Technically, I was ready for the baby. Emotionally, I was a mess. I didn’t expect to put on 32 kilos. The injections during the pregnancy, due to hormonal problems, had made me massive. I was scared to see myself. My body had lost shape. The hormonal imbalance made me cry all the time.

Instead of getting support I was only being judged. I was told other actresses had bounced back within three months. So, why couldn’t I. I have no idea how they did it. I couldn’t. I was physically and emotionally stressed. That’s when I had a complete breakdown. It took me a year and a half to pick myself up. I took a realistic perspective of myself. I lost quite a bit of weight. But then I chose to have another baby. With Nyra (born in 2019), I only put on 10 kilos. She’s now two and a half years old. I’m gradually losing the rest of the weight.

Did this self-discovery give you the courage to go ‘real’ on social media?

Yes. I started speaking my mind on social media. I spoke about weight gain, grey hair, postpartum problems. Usually, people run away from such subjects. I didn’t want to make millions but I wanted followers, not only women but even men, who could find a happy space in my conversations. Where it’s okay to have a breakdown, to struggle. Initially, there were pushbacks. People asked why I wasn’t dyeing my hair or wearing make-up and why I wasn’t losing weight.

Were you bothered by the trolling?

Trolls don’t bother me. You’ve got to forgive them. It’s not their fault. It’s the conditioning. They feel let down when an actress stops looking the way she did. I wasn’t worried about losing followers. Those who unfollow you are perhaps not ready for the conversation. I have women asking me, ‘Why are you misrepresenting beauty?’ But that’s my definition. You don’t have to adhere to it. I could look fab with make-up and without it as well. People feel discomfort when I talk about behind-the-scenes realities like stretch marks. It irks them. But arrey they exist!

What have been the positive reactions?

Plenty of women have reached out to me saying how empowering the conversation has been for them. Earlier men would connect and say, ‘Hey Sameera what’s up?’ But now, 95 per cent of the time it’s the women who communicate with me. When a woman likes you and respects you, it’s the biggest award. For me ‘inclusive representation’ is satisfying. It includes body types and a comprehensive concept of beauty. Being brown is beautiful, being big is beautiful. I don’t define beauty. You don’t define beauty. Rather, it lies in being unique.

A sex-icon once, how hard was it to look like one?

I was a tall and big girl. To look slender in front of the guys, I had to keep my weight down. I followed fad diets, I’d work out crazily for 10 days and then let go. The process was emotionally draining. Remarks like, ‘Oh she’s put on weight’, ‘She’s lost that film’, ‘We thought she was bigger but she looks flat chested’ affected my psyche deeply. I was confused about my self-image. The ugly part is the self-loathing.

In Race, where I was supposed to have looked spectacular, only I know the insecurity I suffered. I was drinking black coffee throughout and hardly eating anything. I was nervous about putting up with the other girls. I’d go jogging even after a 12-hour shift at 11 pm. Overall, the extreme measures took a toll on my biochemistry. I had difficult pregnancies because my hormones were not in check.

Did marriage then introduce you to a new reality?

Marriage has been therapeutic for me. When I met my husband, he told me, ‘You’re disconnected from things you want to do because you are under the pressure of doing what people want you to do.’ Fortunately, I married a man who understood my need to transition. Akshai’s a simple and grounded guy, who helped me move to the next phase. It was no longer important for me to equate myself with the bag I was carrying or the shoes I was wearing. As women we have to unlearn many things that have been fed to us early in life. Cinderella finds her Prince Charming, who defines her. As girls we grow up with stories of how the man is the hero. Thankfully, things are changing now. I don’t want my daughter to be a feminist but she needs to have her own identity. A man needs to complement it, not supplement it.

Is heartbreak also a great teacher?

Absolutely. Heartbreak is natural. We’ve all gone through it. The mistakes I made earlier with guys arose from a poor sense of self-worth. That was my biggest flaw. I didn’t respect myself enough. When your self-esteem is low, it’s natural for a guy to walk all over you. I tried to understand why such patterns recurred in my relationships. Why do people treat you in a certain way? My sense of self was low. My choices were wrong. The heartbreaks were bad. Thankfully, I changed the way I viewed relationships before I met my husband. If I came across toxic men, I didn’t bother going ahead with it.

What according to you then is the buzzword in a relationship?

Teamwork is the No. 1 word between Akshai and me. It means you’re not doing me a favour by looking after the child. Because he’s ‘our’ child. Where financial planning is concerned, it has to be done with me, even if it’s you who’s earning. It’s okay even if I’m just the one earning. A woman should be financially aware, not out of insecurity but for a sense of empowerment. The man should be a partner, not someone who calls the shots. For a marriage to last you need
partnership, not roses.

Would you call this ‘woke’ period your ‘Summer of ’42’?

(Laughs) I guess for me it’s just begun. When you discover yourself and the endless responsibilities… that’s your wonderful period. It can be at any age. When I see my mom-in-law (artist Manjri Varde) at 66, I believe it’s truly her golden time. I have never seen her rock it like this before. She’s living her best life. She listens to rock music, she paints, makes amazing videos… She’s representing an age group that says, ‘We’re cool, so don’t try to box us!’ Earlier, she was withdrawn and shy. The pandemic changed us both. When you’re locked up with your mom-in-law, you can drive yourself crazy or blossom. We were stuck with each other, cooking, cleaning… We could have gotten on each other’s nerves or taken things with humour. We chose humour.

Also Read|EXCLUSIVE: Sameera Reddy reveals how she was once replaced by a starkid: Producer hid the truth from me