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Mrs Divali Ben Patel, a Chicago resident, who was 108 years old passed away last week. But she has left behind a wonderful legacy – a big family unit that serves as an inspiration to everyone that joint families following traditional Indian values are totally possible in America.
“The now ten member strong Patel household in Morton Grove, is a perfect example of how a big, joint, Gujarati family structure is the secret to happy living.”
“During her lifetime Baa traveled in everything from a Bael Gari (Bullock cart) in her small town in Gujarat to a Bentley in Chicago. Even after past her 100 years she traveled to India every year, read newspapers and was independent.”
Members of Patel family, led by Hari Bhai Patel and his wife Kumud Ben Patel, are dealing with a loss these days. A week ago, Mrs Divali Ben Patel, mother to Hari Bhai passed away. She was 108-years-old. Not only did she have a long life but also she led a very fulfilling and inspiring journey full of various ups and downs. Throughout her life she led by example that if a woman is strong-willed she can make every place her home and instill hope, love and courage to stand together in her family.
The Patel clan belongs to a close-knit Gujarati community from a small village called Uttarsanda in Gujarat. They migrated to Chicago from India, about three decades ago. It was Hari Bhai’s two sons Nick (Nimish) and Mayur Patel who came here before their parents and started their life from scratch. They dabbled in a few odd jobs and then set up many businesses. Once they reached a reasonably comfortable level in Chicago they called over their parents and their grandmother to settle in America with them.
And though, Patel families’ story may look similar to many other immigrants but what sets this family truly apart is that they have for several decades now maintained a totally comprehensive joint family structure. The family has been able to stay together even while living in America where nuclear families are the norm and kids’ moving out of the house once they are 18 is a pretty common affair.
The family credits this achievement to their immense love and respect for each other. This big family of now ten people comprising Hari Bhai and his wife, along with their two sons and their wives and four grandchildren live together in Morton Grove in one house. If that’s not inspiring enough, the family also maintains one common kitchen where every day women of the house cook for the entire clan keeping everyone’s tastes and preferences in mind. The family enjoys their meal times together with Gujarati feasts and also frequently takes holidays together along with the other extended members of Patel clan.
Hari Bhai’s younger son Nick Patel says, “Every year on Thanksgiving we have a family tradition of flying to Miami with our extended families settled all over in the US. So our big family group of about 40 people travels to Miami where we rent family homes and relax, cook and celebrate our bond with each other and Baa used to be the life of our gatherings”
He adds, “With Baa’s passing away it’s not just us feeling the loss but the entire clan is going to miss her.”
BAA — THE CENTRAL FIGURE
Everyone from the Patel family agrees on one thing – it was the presence and blessings of their Baa who made it easy for them to stay together as a family. Mrs Divali Ben who was called Baa by not just her family members but by the entire close-knit Gujarati community in Chicago land area was extremely popular not just with the elder generation but even with the younger kids. The family remembers the extraordinary life she lived even after she crossed her 100th birthday.
Hari Bhai Patel, remembering his mother says, “She was a woman of steel. She had so much patience and strong will that even past 100 she traveled to India every year to spend some time in her village.” He adds, “Her energy was infectious. While today many middle-aged people begin thinking that they need to slow down in life, she was unstoppable. She would accompany us to various temples in Chicago area and would often visit the Swami Narayan Temple. She would also occasionally travel to spend time with her daughter who’s also settled in the US and is 90 years of age. For her it was the family ties that mattered the most.” Baa’s family remembers her as an extremely loving figure that could become a child with children.
AN EXTRORDINARY LIFE
Baa’s life was truly special and she did try and make the most of it. Her grandson Nick Patel recalls, “During her lifetime she rode on everything from a Bael Gari (Bullock cart) in her small town to a Bentley in Chicago. She came here when she was already in her 80’s and during this time many old people find it difficult to adjust to a new place. But she took to this change like a fish in water. She was a constant source of courage and would insist on cooking until a few years ago.”
Hari Bhai says, “It was quite inspiring that Baa who had never been to school all her life, self educated herself. She was voracious reader and read so many books and literature in Gujarati. Her fondness to learn was so much that if ever she came across any book or newspapers in English or any other language she would try to understand it through pictures. Often her understanding just by looking at the pictures would be perfect.
On how a woman her age and from that time had so much intelligence and understanding, the family think that she was truly gifted. Hari Bhai also says that her strength also came from the fact that she had she had seen many tragedies in her life early on. Those experiences steeled her. He says, “Baa had total 11 children in her lifetime and she saw six of them pass away in front of her eyes. While five of her children died when they were toddlers between the ages of 1-5, she also dealt with the blow of seeing her youngest daughter, who was a dentist in NJ pass away two decades ago. For a mother the hardest thing is to see her children go and Baa dealt with this pain with great patience.”
Baa also saw her husband pass away when we were still in India. Perhaps it was these untimely deaths that made her understand the fragility of life and hence she encouraged all her children to live their lives.
The family recalls that Baa was the most popular member of their family and friends, relatives and acquaintances from their nearby villages in Gujarat, who would travel to America would specially come down to meet her.
Nick Patel says, “When Baa was about 100, I advised her not take the long flight to India owing to her age but she somehow convinced by father and continued to travel even when she was 107.”
Her child like energy made her a favorite with the kids in the family and for the two brothers’ children who are in their teens and twenties, their great grand mother was a friend and a guide. Nick recalls, “During the past few months when she was unwell we hired two nurses to take care of her and she spread her love even to them that they all became extremely close to each other.”
THE FAMILY UNIT
One of the most remarkable things about the Patel family is that every member credits another for their ability to live happily as a big unit. Hari Bhai Patel admits that the path to be always together through thick and thin was shown to them by his Baa. But he shows his true gentlemanly side when he says that it would be impossible for him to return the gratitude to his wife Kumud Ben Patel who selflessly all these years took care of Baa and the entire family. He says, “My wife was always prioritizing Baa over everything. The way she held the family together and taught our sons the value of being with each other is something that helped all of us forge this beautiful bond.”
Both the brothers Nick and Mayur when they first came to US were very clear that they are working hard to create a comfortable life for their family in US. They admit that never once did it cross their mind that they would want to stay separately. Nick says, “Everything we have done is for our family name. Today we are so close that both my nieces call me Nimish Papa just like they call their dad Mayur papa. The kids in the family are carrying forward our sentiments where we never separated from each other.”
Hari Bhai adds, “Perhaps it was our luck and the warmth of love in our household that everybody immediately felt at ease with each other. Talking about his two daughter-in-laws he says, “Both my sons got married within our community back in India and my daughter-in-laws are just like my own daughters. They have given us so much love and respect and we are doing our best to do give them our blessings.”
Today the Patels are one big family and both Nick and Mayur’s children Meera, Janki, Sonali and Hari are born in America but continue to take pride in their Indian traditions and cultures. The family has never compromised on their core values and is strict vegetarian. Gujarati dishes, which both young and old enjoy, dominate meal times in family and they celebrate all their festivals from Navratri to Ekadashi with great merriment.
The family as they are preparing for puja ceremony to mark 13 days since Baa’s demise admit that they will feel the void but are positive that they will carry forward the path paved by her.
Hari Bhai says, “Just like Baa’s name – Divali, she will always remain like a light guiding our life.” Nick says, “Baa’s extraordinary life has impressed many Gujarati families who too have tried to go the joint family way just like us. I would say if our example helps any one to bond better with their families we feel humbled.”